I was about to post something else about social interactions and the introvert/extrovert dilemma, but found this from last week and decided to change the subject (for a day or two).
During a feeble effort to sort through the pile of boxes packed away in my basement, I unearthed one labeled "zine stuff." It contained all the original flats, plus a surprising number of paper copies, for the zine I produced from ages 15-19. I find my earliest issues rather embarrassing now, but the last two were both surprising and inspiring. 19 seems forever ago, but the last hair-under-six years represent a lot of personal growth and discovery for me.
For example, I was shocked by some of the views I held about my own sexuality. How "gay" was "just another label I [didn't] believe in" and how straight folks repressing same-sex attraction led to body issues. And how I could never be labeled/self-identified as bisexual.
To which now-me, sitting on the couch and reading this through, said: "WTF!?"
Recently I was with friends late at night, talking and occasionally dozing until the morning hours. Somewhere in there we asked, what if kids were brought up to be comfortable and open with their sexuality, no matter what it was? We represent all points on the Kinsey Scale and agreed our high school experiences were...less than encouraging.
Reading this makes me wish I'd had a venue to express and explore my sexuality at a younger age. That I knew and processed the term "bisexual" at ages 17-19 is actually somewhat surprising given my high school experience. Non-straight -- and non-white, for that matter -- culture/viewpoints were simply not represented. Period. Some of the words I heard about gay people are so hurtful I rarely, rarely repeat them. I think they're made more so by the fact that at the time, they passed like water under the bridge: no reprimands or consequences from those supposedly in charge.
For those of us who could/did experience opposite-sex attraction, adopting the heterosexual label was automatic and completely natural. At least in my case, any potential same-sex attraction was manifested in other ways, most of them negative.
So it doesn't surprise me that even at 19, I was still saying "it's not natural for straight people to only find the opposite sex attractive." No one had really taught me what "natural" was. I just didn't realize it was possible for me to own an identity other than straight.
In the end, I don't want gay children. I don't want straight children. I also don't want children just like me. I just want them to grow up knowing that whoever they are is okay. They can identify (or not) with whatever label they want. But nothing they feel -- beyond the stuff we all feel as teenagers -- should make them feel afraid, angry, or ashamed. It's hard enough already to figure out who you are, right? After all, I have a whole bookshelf full of old journals documenting my struggles with just being a young adult.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
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"For those of us who could/did experience opposite-sex attraction, adopting the heterosexual label was automatic and completely natural. At least in my case, any potential same-sex attraction was manifested in other ways, most of them negative."
ReplyDeleteThis is really interesting to me, particularly the last part-- the twisting of attraction into resentment, maybe, or envy, or who knows what (I'm curious if you want to elaborate.) The first part makes sense to me too. In fact, the best way I could ever come up to explain 'why I'm trans' to my parents in the absence of any more by-the-book Transsexual Experience is that when I realized I wasn't straight, that I wasn't a woman solely attracted to men, all the other implied factors started to come unglued too. Once I stepped a little outside of that 'natural' understanding of myself, I was able to explore and piece together something else to grow into.
But anyway... talk to me more about all this. And yes, what would it look like if sexuality and desire weren't so poisoned by shame?
I WOULD like to elaborate -- I usually do, when prompted :)
ReplyDeleteActually, I feel like that's the beginning of "a whole nother" post on this blog, but I will say I think you hit the nail on the head with resentment. I felt a lot of anger and resentment toward certain female peers, mostly those who flaunted their bodies in a highly sexualized way. At the time I think I attributed it to my moral high ground. Ha.
Have you ever thought about this in the context of where you might want to raise children, if you've thought hypothetically at all about children? It comes up in my mind a lot and I have so many conflicting emotions about it.