Graduate school, huh? Huh. Well here's the thing (and yes I overuse that phrase): my husband and a few friends are going to graduate school in the fall. Also, news flash: though I may have ADD and I may not always come off as very "with it," I'm not dumb. Being married to an engineer can make someone with an art degree a little territorial about brains and talent. Joke though we may, we BFAs have plenty of intelligence, we just didn't choose to major in math or science when we went off to school. But I digress.
I feel somewhat entitled to a higher degree, as if being gifted obligates me to earn as many academic achievements as I can. The thing is (see?) I like what I do. I don't want to give up a ton of time and money, cut back my hours at work, not audition for the symphony, and all that just to get a graduate degree in something else I'm not sure about. Because really, who of my close friends can really say I was sure about majoring in painting?
So as I sift through the options (I live in a major city -- there are many) and try to decide between Non-Profit Management, Sociology, Social Work, or Creative Writing & Publication Arts, I wonder: what's the point? What am I trying to accomplish here? Am I honestly just trying to use up my $10K AmeriCorps education award?
I feel like in your 30s you either raise children or find your calling. My hope is I can do both, and not alone. Another secret: introverted me really wants to go through life with a nice little group of friends, chasing (finding? just making up?) our dreams and weaving a crazy extended family. Given these admittedly pretty weird life goals, what do I see myself doing with my education monies and my mid-to-late 20s? Am I working for a performing arts organization? Am I at my current job and auditioning for the symphony? Am I starting a business? Moving to the country and starting an intentional community? Still living in the city, stubbornly raising children there to disprove the naysayers who said "oh, you say you won't, but you'll leave by the time those kids turn two"?
I have this feeling really awesome things are in store for me, I just can't for the life of me figure out what they are. Of course I just need to wait and see, but how much should I be waiting vs. actively moving forward? At what point am I just kidding myself, making believe that there's more to life than this? That I'm going to find something to do every day that's just so RIGHT I can barely contain my joy? Everyday happiness and contentment can make me so complacent, what is it going to take for me to risk upsetting the balance?
Thursday, August 13, 2009
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I know exactly how you feel about being obligated to max out your higher education stat (can't decide if that's INT or WIS). Plus, both of my parents have their Masters, so there's an additional level of a sort of filial obligation to work at least as hard as they did.
ReplyDeleteI am just entirely burnt out on education to really be enthusiastic about graduate school. I love learning, I love thinking, some deep masochistic part of me even loves writing essays and analyzing things too much (I probably am going to rewrite my undergrad thesis at some point and make it actually workable). I've even considered staying in Korea to get my master's at a university here (since I kind of want to study Korean anyway, and it's mad cheap compared to the US) but...I want to engage in intellectual pursuits on my own time and on my own terms. Not what some institution dictates.